So, I recently visited Santa's Land (cough, in a day-dream, eh-hem, cough). It was a thoroughly eerie experience that was enhanced by a preceding visit to Wal-Mart to pick up my Catawba Valley Community College-theme Snuggie, pictured below:
Don't you love it? It brings out my eyes.
Anyways, I wanted to go to Wal-Mart because I needed a new accessory to wear to Santa's Land. If I didn't buy the Snuggie (it was $19.99), I would have had to wear my old Depends underwear over a floor-sweeping, tiered jean skirt, which is so last week.
When I debuted my outfit at Santa's Land, everybody's jaws dropped to the ground. I looked so good! I was even wearing my hot new bedroom slippers, which were a great find at the local Plus-Sized Consignment Store. With those shoes on my feet, I knew where I was headed- the Elf Workshop of Doome.
As my be-slippered legs crossed the threshold of the workshop, I could just feel the radioactive rays emitting from the mechanical Doome Elves while they crafted cheap toys for the undeserving children (and some adults) drooling at their feet.
|Evil elf employee #4 carving "ham"|
Suddenly, as a modicum of drool passed from the chapped lips of one of the workshop-worpshippers to the tasteful neon pleather shoe of an elf, IT HAPPENED. The elf-puppet EXPLODED into a fountain of fetid feces, flowing freely from and fro. Cacophonous crowds of caca-coated clients raged out of the Elf Workshop of Doome and into the rest of Santa's Land, spreading confusion everywhere, along with the scent of rotting defecation.
I stood, a calm, fashionable beacon in the epicentre of this holiday-induced quake, observing the scene unfolding around me. The clouds suddenly opened, and a gigantic storm poured down upon the burning remnants of Santa's Land, a place that had held so many sentimental memories for me.
I recall a voice booming over the land: THE POOP MONSTER WAS HERE.
And that was the last time I visited Santa's Land.
Your loving editor,