Welcome, gracious benefactors, to the Annual Auction That Disguises Itself by Being a Party but All We Want is for You and Your Friends to Slough Over Some Dough to Our Cause Which is Those Affected by the Poop Monster but is Also Maybe That We Want the Newest iPad and Possibly the X-Box Kinect.
I hope you have had fun so far, bidding and eating and such. Sorry to interrupt your dinners, but I wish to alert you about a... situation occurring outside of the venue. We all know what the Poop Monster can do to people, and we all want to fix it. But what is happening outside at this moment has never been documented by scientists or psychologists anywhere. It seems that there are humans vying for entrance outside the door, and they aren't just here for the fun company, folks! (quiet, fake, and also nervous laughter) The building's façade has "Poop Monster" scrawled all over it, and the plastic bricks are barely visible!
If you hear scratching or clawing at the walls, or see what can only be described as molten-chocolate bread pudding leaking through the doors and windows, do not panic! It is only the bilious vomit excreted from the humanoid figures surrounding the building with pitch forks, Sharpies, and buckets of poop. So keep bidding on those items, because we want to help those who have been affected by His Evilness, the Poop Monster! Thank you, and please, shelter your aristocratic eyes whenever you catch a glimpse of what might read "P. Monster." Have fun, because I the foundation really wants needs your money!"