A letter from the editor:

 So, I recently visited Santa's Land (cough, in a day-dream, eh-hem, cough). It was a thoroughly eerie experience that was enhanced by a preceding visit to Wal-Mart to pick up my Catawba Valley Community College-theme Snuggie, pictured below:

Don't you love it? It brings out my eyes. 

Anyways, I wanted to go to Wal-Mart because I needed a new accessory to wear to Santa's Land. If I didn't buy the Snuggie (it was $19.99), I would have had to wear my old Depends underwear over a floor-sweeping, tiered jean skirt, which is so last week. 

When I debuted my outfit at Santa's Land, everybody's jaws dropped to the ground. I looked so good! I was even wearing my hot new bedroom slippers, which were a great find at the local Plus-Sized Consignment Store. With those shoes on my feet, I knew where I was headed- the Elf Workshop of Doome. 

As my be-slippered legs crossed the threshold of the workshop, I could just feel the radioactive rays emitting from the mechanical Doome Elves while they crafted cheap toys for the undeserving children (and some adults) drooling at their feet. 

Evil elf employee #4 carving "ham" 

Suddenly, as a modicum of drool passed from the chapped lips of one of the workshop-worpshippers to the tasteful neon pleather shoe of an elf, IT HAPPENED. The elf-puppet EXPLODED into a fountain of fetid feces, flowing freely from and fro. Cacophonous crowds of caca-coated clients raged out of the Elf Workshop of Doome and into the rest of Santa's Land, spreading confusion everywhere, along with the scent of rotting defecation. 

I stood, a calm, fashionable beacon in the epicentre of this holiday-induced quake, observing the scene unfolding around me. The clouds suddenly opened, and a gigantic storm poured down upon the burning remnants of Santa's Land, a place that had held so many sentimental memories for me. 

I recall a voice booming over the land:  THE POOP MONSTER WAS HERE. 

And that was the last time I visited Santa's Land. 

Your loving editor, 

Sally MacFiber 

The Promised Post

And, finally the Burke Educational Tour group arrives at our final destination, The Promised Land Post.

 lets see i believe the poop monster graced the (southern accent) christian tours Ve-hickle . ( more commonly known as the coach) anyway i think the poop monster definitely made his presence known in the "emergency bathroom" at the back of the bus. how do we know this? well a certain someone had to use this bathroom NUMEROUS times and could not find the little button that said flush... well i ran out of steam there so um yeah i did my best. I guess i should add something about the god awful stink that practically killed the people in the back of the "coach". but i really have to do homework now.  - COOKIE MONSTER 

zack jake and alan were all rooming together and one of them plugged the toilet and another went on top of that so they called for the maintenance dude who well unplugged it....then later the same thing happened and they left it for the nxt pple to come lucky whoev they r :)  -AMELIA MANGAN 

who are you, cookie monster? we'll never know..... harharhar. Here is my contribution, and i have to say it was one of my favorite "On the Coach" moments. Here goes.....

A man walked onto a "bus" one rainy day, and was immediately confronted by a winged, fanged, and fairly frightening-looking creature. The creature snarled, "Mith Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuthy hath fouuuuuuuuuuund you!" And yes, she snarled with a lithp. She then followed that declaration with a variety of colorful words. The man, who was actually a lowly student but could be portrayed as Captain Jack Sparrow if you need more excitement in this anecdote, was unfazed and simply replied: "Did you just BS my biracial number seven?"


hardy har. back to mithith king'th mathththththth.........   - ANONYMOUS 

Thanks to all those who have participated so far. If any more miraculous comments arise, they will surely get a place here. 

Oops, I forgot.

St. Patrick's Day! I completely forgot! At least this saint has a good relationship with the Poop Monster, unlike Saint Valentine... 


     One day, Saint Patrick was floating ghostily along (because you can only become a saint after you die, annoyingly enough), sprinkling gold and clovers in his wake, when suddenly something hits him on the head, and it falls through him, because he is a ghost (and you can only become a saint after you die, annoyingly enough). 
     
     He looks up to see what rude form would purposely try to harm a saint, for saint's sake. "Now that I am dead, I don't have to be so saintly any more... So DARN YOU, FALLING..." Wait, what was it that fell again? Saint Patty (he hated that nickname, but he had to put up with it to be nice while he was alive, because you can only become a saint after you die, annoyingly enough) looked up, and he saw...


And he saw... 


AND HE SAW... 


The POOP MONSTER!!! MWAHAHA!!


Saint Patrick just laughed good-naturedly, because he is indeed a saint, and saints are usually saintly. 

The Sacred Earth Has Been Infected

NO, not the Sacred Land! I cannot believe His disciples have traveled that far, all the way to a different country: Cherokee, NC! Is this a foreshadowing of what is to come? Possibly.

Blog Name

Ehem, Ehem.

The time has come, the walrus said, to make a nice, concise way to say "Phenomena 13: the Poop Monster and Morphsuits." Because we all know that we say it frequently, and it is a bit of a mouthful.

So here it is:: P13TPMAM 

Yes! That is pronounced Pee-THUR-teen-tee-PEE-mam

Thank you, and may the Poop Monster bless you.

Say "Hello" Like You Mean It

Hello again.

Somebody needs to come up with some new ways to greet people these days. It's all, "Hey!" "How are you?" "What's up?" "Greetings!" "Hello again." 

Maybe the people who name Crayola crayons can help with that. They are good at coming up with names, right?  No, because then we would walk around, and whenever we had to say hey to somebody we know, we would say, "Wild Watermelon!" or, "Burnt Sienna!"  

So I think I will take the liberty to make up some new greetings on my own.  

Ahem. Here we go. 

1. "I saw you yesterday and now I saw you again right here."

2. "Frame store entrance!"  

3. "I would buy you something but I have no money so 'hello' will do." 

4. "I would buy you something but you just aren't worth it!" 

5. (this one works well) Just say "good-bye" ahead of time.

6. (say this one quietly to people you don't like) "Watch out, a car is coming..."  

Good-bye, and... watch out, a car is coming.

Unky the Bellhop

So, it looks like the Poop Monster just made a friend... UNKY THE BELLHOP!


Unky the Bellhop is just like your normal bellhop, large and green. Wait, what? Yes, that is what I meant. Large and green, and grape-ly. You see, Unky happens to be every green grape, while also balancing the task of hopping bells. Bellhopping.

So, you might ask, "Is this what Unky looks like?"

And I would say, "Heck, no!" 

Then you would be all, "Then is this what Unky looks like?" 

And I would be like, "NO! For the sake of The Poop Monster, get your Unky imaging right! This is what Unky looks like..."

"Duh!"

Unky The Bellhop Green Grape. Watch out, he might whisk your luggage away.

-l